


and we accept the poverty of our prayers

by andiownyousomuch



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Cannibalism, Donuts, Family, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Priest, Sacred20 challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-01
Updated: 2015-03-01
Packaged: 2018-03-15 19:44:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3459575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andiownyousomuch/pseuds/andiownyousomuch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Koutarou does not ask (he never, ever asks), <i>why did you let me live?</i></p><p>(Donato wonders why.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	and we accept the poverty of our prayers

**Author's Note:**

> The story is out of order. But if you read following the numbers, you'll find the chronological order. Hope that it isn't confuse or anything.
> 
> Lots of thanks to _amariys_ for the proofreading! =)

ii.

 

"Everyone! Look at what I have here!" Donato says with a smile, carrying a box in his arms.

The children gather around him, excited. He opens the box, revealing donuts of all flavors, filling their eyes with its colors. Soon, every child gets a sweet.

Except for one.

Koutarou remains next to the wall, watching the scene. Donato approaches him.

"Koutarou, what's wrong? Why don't you go there?"

The boy looks at the scene before them, his eyes full of guilt. He carries a serious expression across his face as he answers, "I will not eat all the donuts alone anymore. I promise."

Donato's expression clears immediately. He remembers the incident that happened last week.

 _He's so easy to figure out_.

Donato laughs, as he pads the boy's head, messing with his hair. "I'd already scolded you about that, and you already apologized; you learned your lesson. You're a good boy, Koutarou." The child's cheeks go red. "Now, off you go, or you won't get any of the donuts. They're your favorite, right?"

He drops his head, for an instant, before looking at the priest again. Then, in a small smile, "Right."

When Koutarou smiles at him, it seems that he has the world in his eyes.

Donato smiles back.

 _Ignorance_ , he thinks,  _is bliss_.

 

v.

 

Koutarou asks,  _who is this ghoul, where one can find it, does this have a connection with that, do you know anything about this, can you answer me, be serious._

Koutarou does not ask (he never, ever asks),  _why did you let me live?_

(Donato wonders why.

Maybe Koutarou is afraid to ask; maybe Koutarou knows he'll not tell him the truth.

Maybe Koutarou knows that, whatever his answer, he'd never believe in it. Even if it would be the truth.)

Donato, in turn, asks,  _did you still keep it – that cross, me, in your chest?_

But he knows the answer. He smiles, even, in anticipation.

Koutarou says,  _I hate you, I will never forget and I will never forgive – you, myself._

Donato does not say,  _love and hate are emotions with the same roots¹, my child._

He does say, though,  _go find Alice_ , a tip for his investigation, satisfied with his answer.

 

iii.

 

Akie, Yusuke… so many names. He can't help it if he doesn't remember each one of them, when it isn't necessary anymore. They're just meat, and he raises them like that – like cattle.

There are many things that suited his preference for preying on children;the fragile skin, their soft organs, the screams that were never heard – for they were forgotten by the world, and forgotten by God.

After the  _feast_ , forgotten by him, too.

But what appeals him the most about their taste is this: he devours all that they could ever be, all that they will never be.

There is a child. A boy who ate all the donuts, once; a boy with eyes full of belief – in his words; in him. In God.

In God, even after what had brought him to the orphanage, what would still wait for him.

He remembers his name, but that's that – he has tasted only his name. Yet.

_Koutarou._

He tells himself that he'll let the boy live, just one more day. And another.

And another.

A life can be saved in such improbable ways.

 

vii.

 

When he enters the visiting room, he's surprised to see who's there.

"Special Class Investigador Marude. To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?" Donato smiles, as he sees the man in front of him getting mad at his words – too easy. "What happened? Did Koutarou say that he wouldn't come to see his father, for you coming here?"

Marude's eyes avoid his. There are black bags under his eyes, and his cloths are wrinkled. It's not that he can't face Donato; it's rather that he doesn't want Donato to  _see it_  in his eyes, the ghoul realizes.

"Koutarou is dead," it's not a question. His voice is calm. The investigator does not respond, but his silence is enough answer. Donato doesn't bother to ask how – there's always only one way an investigator dies.

At last, Marude looks at him, resigned, knowing it is useless trying to hide that. "It was during the 20th ward raid… apparently, it was the Centipede."

He nods. "The body?" More silence. "Not found, then. Probably eaten."

" _How could you say that so calm?!"_ Marude snaps. Then he takes a deep breath, "…Forget it. I came here to ask you something," Marude tells him, impatienly. "We discover in the operation that there are, in fact, two Owls. Do you know anything about that?"

Flatly, "I don't." The others man hisses. "If it's only that, then, I'll leave. When you come back next time, please bring me a more interesting case."

As he walks away, he can hear Marude mumbling under his breath,  _what a waste of time, what a monster, I don't know what I'd expected, Amon didn't really matter to him._

He returns to his cell. Inside of these four walls, there are only two emotions he feels – boredom, for the most of time; amusement, when he manages to tease one of investigators, especially if that said investigator would be Koutarou.

_But now Koutarou is dead._

He can't feel anything.

He sits on his bed, and stares at the dull wall in front of him.

And, after a while, he finally moves.

He kneels on the solid, gray ground. His hands find each other; he closes his eyes. Silence enfolds him, like an old friend.

And, for the first time in years, he prays.

 

vi.

 

_(A moment, lost into unconsciousness:_

_It doesn't matter how much he despises Donato, there's always an image that he couldn't shake out of his mind, not matter how hard he'd tried-_

_An empty church, a ray of sunlight, a man praying._

_He'd always wondered._

_What does he think about when he closes his eyes?)_

 

i.

 

Everyone on the village calls him that, of course –  _Father_. The children, too.

One day, though, Koutarou let slips out a  _"Dad"_ – only to freeze in horror once he realizes what he'd said. His eyes refuse to meet Donato's gaze after that, far too afraid of rejection.

He's nothing but a foolish, human child.

" _Koutarou, look at me,"_  Donato asks, softly. The boy does, though somewhat hesitant. The priest smiles.  _"I've always think of you as my own son."_

Suddenly, there's a small body hugging him, his face hidden in the priest's vests, tiny hands shaking, clinging to him; the boy is crying. Koutarou doesn't say anything, and neither does Donato – he, too surprised with his own act, finds himself hugging the child back, tightly.

 

viii.

 

"…Thank you for your cooperation, Donato-san."

"Don't mention it. I can always have a good talk with you, Haise."

Haise gathers the papers on the table. At Donato's words, he stops for a moment, before saying, almost like talking to himself, "Yes… I don't really like the idea of you being discarded someday."

It takes the ghoul by surprise, he must say, that Haise actually said that to him. But he already knew what the investigator was thinking, his questions and his inner conflicts about his job –  _am I doing the right thing?_

Donato decides to see it for himself – this doubts Haise Sasaki keeps inside of him – since he has been given the perfect opportunity.

"The truth is: I don't care about that, Haise. I've got nothing to lose, so death does not scare me," he says, and the curve of his lips is unsettling. "One day, they will kill me. I wait for it, crave for it, ever since I was caught; but they keep postponing it, because I'm too useful to be dead. The only reason I comply with it is because the boredom is too much to bear; and since I can't kill anyone from here, at least, this way, I can  _kill time_. Not for free, of course, for everything has a price. It costs them their pride, a few secrets, some information; and it entertains me. It amuses me, and I'd like to see for what lengths they would go, until the moment when they face the truth. The truth that all of them has known the entire time, and pretend they don't – that beasts can love, can feel. That there are monsters inside all of you, among you, humans. That the things that define us as species make us more alike than not - and when they see that, they'll discover that their cause was lost all along. For what they've done was inhuman², too."

He likes to test his companions, and Donato waits for Haise to retort. But he should've known better, because Haise always surprises him.

Donato can see a light in the investigator's eyes, like he'd came to a realization. "Does this truth applies on you also, Donato-san? Did you ever love someone?"

There's a pause. Then, Donato bursts laughing – a laugh full of sharp, dangerous teeth.

"It's when you ask these things that I remember you're not like the other investigators. You're too naïve, Haise. I may say these things, because I had seen it, I know there are ghouls like that. But there are also ghouls like  _me_. I'd give  _anything_  for the pleasure of ripping apart young flesh, of seeing life leaving their scared eyes, just one more time. But then," he says, the widened smile retreating back to his usual serene one, eyeing the half-ghoul. Haise just keeps facing him, and he doesn't even flinch, the entire time. It's for these things that the young investigator has gained his respect. "You already knew that. So, why would you ask such thing, Haise?"

This time, Haise smiles. "Because I think you lied. Because I don't think it's true that you've got nothing to lose." His eyes are too kind, and so is his smile. Donato had warned him about that, once. Nevertheless, he remains silent now – because in Haise's gaze, he can see also defiance. "If so, why did you want to talk with me about  _'that case'_?"

For a moment, the former priest just _looks_  at him.

No one would have believe him. Not the investigators; not Koutarou.

Not even himself, all those years ago.

_This young man, on the contrary…_

"I had a son," is his answer, and it's the first time in a long time he'd said that word, without any teasing in his voice – just the bare word, with just its bare meaning.

 

iv.

 

" _Father?"_

He thinks about Genesis's verses.

" _Who said you could come in here, Koutarou?"_

The forbidden fruit; the fruit of knowledge.

 _The man has now become one of us, knowing good and evil._ A man of a boy _; his boy_. Koutarou's eyes are wide opened, as he realizes the blood on his father's hands _, the death on his father's hands._ It's the loss of an innocent, and the loss of innocence; there are things that, once lost, you can never recover.

Donato can see the questions building in his eyes, and he knows that Koutarou won't be able to bear the answers.

" _With this, 'playing house' finishes,"_ he says instead, a cruel smile on his lips.

Unlike Koutarou, Donato was always good at lying.

**Author's Note:**

> ¹ and ²: three phrases from/inspired by Hunter x Hunter.
> 
> Here I am again! This time, with this strange story. Donato is such a creepy one, and his relationship with Amon always made me intrigued.
> 
> Also, there are donuts in the story because I (finally) discovered Ishida-sensei's pun after reading a post on tumblr, and I was like _omg he thought about everything_ , and, so. Donuts are important. _imnotsorry_
> 
> Please, let me know what you think about the fic. Feedback makes me really happy. xD Thanks for reading!


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